The atmosphere of the Ethier household has been tense lately, everyone has been walking on eggshells with what they can or can’t say. Everyone seemed to be struggling one way or another. I never knew of my own internal struggle had been so visible to those around me. I didn’t realize how bad things have got until this weekend.
My husband finally took his first vacation since my first was born (he’s going to be 3 this summer), needless to say it was long over due. It was crazy to watch as my husband returned to the himself… he has been CRAZY busy and stressed out at work, working endless days and barely getting enough sleep. It was beginning to take its toll on our relationship and family dynamics. It wasn’t until we started talking that I realized that I had been solely placing blame on him. I never took the time to see my part was in this mess was. After a blow out of emotions and unnecessary yelling, we finally calmed down and just started talking bout our feelings. My husband expressed how nothing has seemed right between us since our first loss, April 2015, that I had been an emotional roller-coaster. I tried so hard not to take it personally, then it hit me like a ton of bricks… he was RIGHT!
The only thing that he didn’t realize that it had been way longer than that. When I was 5 months pregnant with Wyatt (to be exact), I was struggling with depression (not sure if you can call it post-partum if it’s during pregnancy?) Pregnancy was not the glowing wonderful experience I had come to expect… I had a fibroid that caused so many complications, it was a full time job to make it out to every doctor appointments, specialists appointments and every single testing that had to be done! My hormones were in overdrive (like most out there) and I became absolutely miserable. I remember hoping everyday that I would crash my car on the way to work and not have to deal with anything anymore (I did sought out professional help, no worries).
In the last 3 years my hormones have been thru so many ups and downs. I have been pregnant 4 times, two of those being miscarriages (can read more about it here : My Road to Becoming a Mom of Two). Looking back I really haven’t been myself in a long long long time!
I became flooded with feelings of guilt! I had put my family in this horrendous chaotic mess… I was consumed with the thoughts of how I had been failing this family of mine. I let them down. All my boys (husband and sons) depend on me everyday and I have not been PRESENT! I have been stuck in a black hole with no way of getting out. I’ve been trying to swim up river only just to be swept away in the current. Now I could see everything was falling apart around me, I was drowning and had no way to catch my breathe. I hated everything about myself and the woman I had become. What sort of role model could I possibly be to my sons. It was time to make a BIG change, it needed to happen NOW!
I remember different feelings back with my first, similar but different. I was not able to stop crying. Anything anyone said would trigger uncontrollable tears. I had often thought of running away and never returning. Guilt of this behavior still haunts me! I had wished my son would just suffocate on my breast tissue when feeding (because that would solve all my problems. NOT)!
Excepting that I was in a dark place is a tough pill to swallow. I honestly am still ashamed of any thoughts I had during then. I feel this makes me a horrible mother, but I know I am not the first or last to feel this way.
Weird thing is I did not recognize my depression this time around, I was experiencing aggressive behavior (!?). I had been so irritable and frustrated with everyone around me. Everything they did would piss me right off! I had a short fuse, zero patience, I felt myself breaking under life’s pressure. I was constantly lashing out at my other half and (embarrassingly) at my boys. I had become an ugly human being who I could not love ( I have always believed if you can’t lover yourself, you can not love someone else). I knew I had distanced myself from my boys, my husband and was no long giving them 100% of me. I lost focus! I knew I had to get help.
GUILT! This overwhelming feeling I can’t get over. Past guilt that I had (so I thought) overcame, come back with a vengeance. Why would I let things get so out of hand? Why would my past experience not make me an expert in recognizing what’s happening? I feel like my boys are now going to be scarred for life because their mother was broken. I still can’t believe I had let my life get so chaotic, I have let me family down. I fear not being able to move pass all this. How do I (biggest question on my mind)? Has everything become too broken to fix? I know I have a beyond supportive family, we will get pass this but I feel awful that we have to work through this because I was unable to recognize it sooner. I’m just ashamed.
I am currently seeking help from my doctor. I know that I am not the only one out there who is struggling. I just want you to know that you are not alone! Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to reach out to me if you’d like .