My family always made the joke, before I was even married, that when I was small (like 3 or 4) I would tell my sisters ‘having babies hurt, so I’ll have all the babies and you can be the Aunties!’ It’s like little me knew being a mom can be physically and emotionally demanding! I always knew I wanted to be a mom but knowing never prepared me for life as mom.
While I was pregnant with my first I developed serve depression, pregnancy wasn’t anything I had ever expected. It was hard! Society shows a glowing pregnant women who is always smiling. I don’t know if it was the rush of hormones that now pulsed through my body or that life was changing (I don’t handle change well), I couldn’t even do day to day routine, day to day life!
Okay, I little insight on my first pregnancy. I was working a high stress bank job and had the worse morning sickness (6 months long, wore the lining in ny esophagus) plus an uterine fibroid that made walking difficult and it was also messed around with vaginal delivery. Fun, right!
All of this led to a medical leave, giving me time to focus solely on handling my depression, I ate right (managed to only gain 12lbs that pregnacy, huge accomplishment being a plus size momma), swam 3x a week (only exercise I was allowed to do) and had many many many doctor appointments (2x a week, plus weekly ultrasounds)!
After my first was born (as you can guess) I had post-partum depression. I wanted nothing to do with this new baby I had. I’m ashamed to say it (this was my state of mind) but I wanted nothing more then for him to choke while he fed or my boobs to suffocate him. I’m still feel huge amounts of guilt for every thought I had. How can a baby’s mom be so horrible like this?
What didn’t help matters was for 10 weeks my little guy would not sleep more then 20 mins at a time. We later learnt that he had bad acid reflux and the moment we started given him bio.gia, it was like we had a brand new baby. He slept so well 10-12 hours a night and napped twice a day for 1-3hours at a time. This tho didn’t change my deep down internal struggle with my depression. Things did resolve once the spring hit and we could get outside. All our adventures helped in my recovery immensily.
Now with my second I had been terrified of all these suppressed emotions to re-surfaced. As I struggle figuring our how to juggle two kids, new baby and toddler, I do find myself feeling pretty hopeless at times and alone.
Probably some of the most offensive things someone can say to me is ‘can’t be that bad, you’re a stay a home mom’, ‘ you shouldn’t be tired when you get to sit around and watch tv all day’, o and my favorite ‘I’d gladly switch you places and stay home while you go to work’. Being a mom is tough work.
I don’t know the last time I had a full nights sleep, it’s been months. I have a little guy who insists on eating every 1hour all day, everyday. Hes doing it to sooth his tummy because he excessively spits up (more like pukes up, so much yick, never ending laundry). This leaves me in a sitting position most of the day. Try balancing this with a potty training 2 year old. Some days with him are better then others, some are accident free, others are non-stop avalanche of accidents. Poop everywhere (enough said)!
I’m a control freak, everything has to be prefect or appear Prefect! I think this is the soul reason why I have such huge anxiety. I feel everyone is expecting me to be prefect, get dressed (with clean clothes even), have my hair and makeup done, have my house in tip-top shape… in reality no one give a flying f***! I bring these extremely high expectations on myself which makes it very easy to be disappointed in me and feel like I’m letting everyone down around me.
I need to remember to work everyday to be enough for my boys! Enough for my family. Moments when my littles lock eyes with me, I can see they love their mom unconditionally. They don’t care if I don’t get around to vacuuming today, that the dishes are piling up in the kitchen or if their are baskets upon baskets of laundry to be done. They only see the love I have for them, making me ENOUGH!
Don’t get me wrong there are tons of moments that make this all worth while. I also realize I am very privilege to have the option to stay home with my boys. Doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely exhausting! To other mommas out there feeling overwhelmed or hopeless, you are not alone in this crazy journey of motherhood.